


I loved you last fall (right up to the summer)

by bee_rue



Category: The Last of Us (Video Games)
Genre: Co-Parenting, F/F, Jesse's parents - Freeform, Reunion, Romance, exes to parents to lovers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-09
Updated: 2021-02-09
Packaged: 2021-03-14 19:46:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,956
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29301363
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bee_rue/pseuds/bee_rue
Summary: Ellie comes home. She does not fight.Title: H.A.I.R. by Humble the Poet
Relationships: Dina & Ellie (The Last of Us), Dina/Ellie (The Last of Us), Ellie & JJ (The Last of Us), Ellie & Maria (The Last of Us)
Comments: 6
Kudos: 140





	I loved you last fall (right up to the summer)

**Author's Note:**

> This is an extremely abridged take on Dina and Ellie's relationship post-canon. I think it's important to say there would be a lot more to this story, I just wanted to do something short, sweet, and cathartic lol. Basically I wrote all the big stuff and cut out the little details that would make this a chapter fic. 
> 
> I REFUSE to think they wouldn't or couldn't come around and that their story as a family is over.
> 
> Edit: apologies for grammar mishaps I keep running over this with a fine-tooth comb.

Coming back to Jackson had been a never-ending nightmare of near-death.

Ellie snuck in the East gate, just like her and Jesse and Dina used to- before. The thought of making a scene at the wall made her nauseous and she _knew_ her return would wake the whole town if she did. She couldn’t take the attention and certainly didn’t want to upset Dina and JJ so late. They deserved to rest. They deserved everything and rest was one of the smallest things on that list.

It was the beginning of fall and it hadn’t quite been cold enough outside to be miserable yet. Six months. It had been six months since she left the farm. Almost to the day, actually. Ellie had counted of course. She dragged herself up to Maria’s door, carefully avoiding anyone who happened to be out so late. Deep down, she knew Maria might kick her out of Jackson. She braced herself for it. But, to leave Jackson and not even try would be failure and cowardice. Ellie flexed her hand to ease the shaking, diligently ignoring the pressure behind her eyes that threatened to overflow- and knocked as loud as she dared.

Ellie heard stirring inside as she prepared to open the door and every nerve in her body _pleaded_ with her to run, but she stood and trembled harder.

“What in God’s name is so important this la-” As soon as Ellie saw Maria, she looked down. On the way back from Santa Barbera, she had promised herself that she would look her in the eyes when her verdict was delivered: exile or tentative permission to stay. But now, with Maria right in front of her she couldn’t even look at her at all. It was like she was staring at a ghost and, honestly, she might as well be. The silence was too much to bear.

“I know you probably don’t want to see me. You can tell me to leave but I-” Ellie’s voice cracked, and she cursed herself internally. Took a deep breath to keep her composure. “I had to at least ask if I’m allowed… I have to know if I’m not allowed back. I have to hear it from you.” Her fingers twinged in pain as she pulled on them nervously both to quell her anxiety and hide the stumps from Maria’s sight. They were red and angry and ugly from infection and no one here deserved to see something so disgusting of a reminder of her disappointment. “Maria, I’m so _sorry_ ,”

In all these months she had not been touched by anyone except to cause harm or kill. The journey between the coast and Wyoming was cold and lonely- with nothing but Joel’s clothes she had swaddled herself in to leave. They didn’t smell like him anymore.

She had written letters to Dina and JJ in her journal. So many, letters she swore they would never see, either because she wasn’t allowed near them or more likely that she never lived to make it back to Jackson in the first place. At least since she’s here now, she can give Maria Dina’s bracelet to pass on. It hung on her wrist too heavy and unearned. It had been _Talia’s_. Why Dina ever thought Ellie should have something so sacred was beyond her. She had even stopped by the farm on her way back, but it was no surprise they weren’t there- Ellie couldn’t imagine a world where Dina would have been able to live there with JJ alone. That beautiful farm… It was a two-person job at the minimum. It had been Dina’s dream and because of Ellie it sat out on that golden field empty like a carcass.

All of her things had been pushed into her studio. A small part of her brain had thought Dina might burn it all, like those old movies Joel would watch with her and a couple had a nasty break-up. That room felt like a tomb of herself, and even though she wanted so badly to take those things with her it’s not like she could have carried it. She didn’t even know if she still had a home or not to take them to. She left his guitar in the window and forced herself onward. It was her last stop before here, anyway, and Ellie had tried not to think about what the unlocked gate and clean sheets laid out did or didn’t imply.

And to all her _shock_ , genuinely, having spent the last six months sure that she would be on her own- Maria grabbed her shirt and folded her into her arms with strength that said even if she wanted to be alone, she couldn’t anymore. For once in her life, funny enough, she felt comfort in someone making a choice for her. It confused her, though.

“I don’t understand,” she had spoken weakly into Maria’s shoulder. Her voice was wet-sounding, and she didn’t know what to do with herself, how to hug, after so long.

“You are never not allowed in Jackson.” She pulled away to hold Ellie’s face in her hands and force her to listen. “Ellie, _Jesus_ , what have you done to yourself?” There was a softness Maria had that was reserved only for her and all the other stupid kids in this town, but especially for her, since she was Joel’s. She hid it well behind the necessary tough exterior of a leader in this world.

“I don’t understand,” she said again, a little louder. “How can you just… forgive me? So easily? Aren’t you angry? _I left_.” Maria had looked surprised then, as if ‘forgiveness’ had come so naturally that it was the last thing on her mind.

“I’m not angry, Ellie. I was never angry. You _scared_ me. I thought you were lost.” She raked her eyes over every inch of her even though Ellie tried to twist away so she couldn’t see the worst of the damage. “I’m a little more concerned with this right now,” Maria grabbed her hand and stared at it with fear- the kind of fear when you barely miss a bullet or trip near a cliff face but don’t fall. Fear mixed with relief that you’re not dead when you should be.

“I am lost.” It was a simple enough answer.

“No, you’re not. You found your way back and no one made you. You’re home now.” Ellie had tried to fight the tightness in her throat but, after the beach, her resolve was just gone. A lot of walls had been blown up and kicked down in that ocean. She tried to take a deep breath in, but it turned into a sob on its own accord as she exhaled. Then another sob, then another. Maria just folded her back into her arms again, shushed her, told her it was okay. It _wasn’t_ okay. Maybe it could be.

-

Ellie hadn’t fought when Maria called for Esther in the middle of the night. She hadn’t fought when Maria gave her food and told her to eat, even though she just threw it up. Hadn’t fought when Esther gave her shit about her disastrous stitching and wound care on her fingers. She said she was lucky Ellie hadn’t gone septic and died before she got there, but Ellie felt ‘lucky’ might be the wrong word. She didn’t fight Maria’s hands on her when Esther told her to take off her shirt and shocked them both with the mess on her side, or the new ‘accidental’ chemical burn on her hand. That one made Maria particularly upset, because she knew. Maria had medical training once, in the old world, but palpating the wounds still hurt like hell. She didn’t fight it, though. She didn’t even fight when Maria told her she was seeing a doctor the next day to talk. She hated it, hated it, hated it… But she could. Not. Fight.

Being poked and prodded and stuck with needles because Esther forced her on antibiotics, it made her tired. She had fought sleep most nights on the way back to avoid the nightmares, but she didn’t fight tonight when Maria laid her down in the guest room and covered her with a blanket. She didn’t fight the sleep that came or the nightmares that came with.

She woke up sweating and thew up on herself because she was so fucking weak, she couldn’t get up first. Maria was silent when she came in, helped her up, drew a bath and made her get in it. Ellie rested her chin on her knees and ignored the pain and shame and embarrassment stinging all over. Something about finally crossing the threshold to Jackson had made the adrenaline-fueled survival die, and now she was just left with all the sickness and frailness her body somehow disregarded before.

“Probably should have done this last night anyways,” Maria said absentmindedly as she rinsed her hair with a bucket.

“Dina and JJ…” Ellie started, and she felt Maria look at her apprehensively, like she didn’t know where she stood in this matter. “I just want to know if they’re alive and well. They’re here, right?” Another wave of nausea churned in her stomach at bringing them up and she breathed deep to let it pass.

“They’re here.” Another rinse of hot water. “They’re fine.” Ellie’s shoulders slacked in relief. Maria didn’t speak again until Ellie was in clean clothes and propped up on the couch and placed a bowl of soup in front of her as she grimaced. No fighting. Ellie picked up the spoon. “Do you want me to tell her you’re here?” She forced a spoonful down to stall answering.

“I don’t know.” It was the truth. “I don’t know what’s a good idea and what’s not.”

“I hate to break it to you, but she might already know. People are talking.”

“But you and Esther are the o-”

“I _know_. Someone must’ve saw. The gossip in this town never fails to amaze me.” Fucking Jackson. No one in this town knows how to mind their damn business.

“Tell her. I don’t want her to hear it from a rumor.”

Maria only nodded in understanding before she left. She would be out the whole day working. Ellie had only hoped she told Dina before it was too late. At least when she got sick this time, she made it to the bathroom on her own two feet.

Ellie had asked Maria why she was taking care of her, and she only rolled her eyes at her. _You don’t kick your kids out_ , she had said. _They can fuck up however they want. Doesn’t matter. Doesn’t make a difference_. The idea was foreign to her, how she can be in this house so freely. _You don’t close the door on them. As long as you’re staying._

_I am staying._

_Truly?_

_Yes._

-

The doctor was an older lady with strong silver hair. She came to Maria’s house, at least for the time being, since Ellie hadn’t been able to walk far on her own. She asked her all kinds of questions that made Ellie’s mind scream at her to shut down. She didn’t shut down, she spoke and answered and didn’t fight.

-

It had been one week, and Ellie finally had a meal that she didn’t throw up. Esther told her the antibiotics were working, that she wasn’t so worried anymore.

She could sit at the table for dinner, now. Maria made that loaf stuff she used to bring to her and Joel’s on family nights. Ellie thought for the first time in forever that the food she was eating was… good. She could taste it.

It wasn’t unusual for people to come to Maria’s house at odd hours of the day with urgent business, but when Maria opened the door tonight, she quickly closed it back to a crack.

“Ellie,” Maria nodded at her to come to the door. She was only halfway through her plate and she surprised even herself that she didn’t want to step away from it. “It’s Dina.”

Her hands had halted on the back of the chair, pushing it in.

She was so beautiful it hurt to look at her. Ellie came out onto the porch and Maria went back inside and closed the door behind her. _Breathe_ , she told herself.

Dina didn’t talk, though. She sat down on the steps and something in her demeanor told Ellie to follow, even though she sat as far away as possible from her. She just kept waiting, but Dina didn’t speak.

“I-”

“Are-”

They spoke at the same time and Ellie looked away and cursed herself.

“Are you gonna talk or not.” Dina’s voice was shaky and icy. Ellie had contemplated what to say, how to say it, but she didn’t know how far to take it. How much to tell her.

“It’s not a good story.”

“You’ve been gone for… I don’t even know how long.”

“One hundred eighty-six days.” She felt Dina look at her sharply, but she didn’t look back, she fiddled with her thumbs and made sure she couldn’t see her hand in the light of the lampposts. “Eighty-seven, technically.”

“He fucking cried for you.” The words hit Ellie like a slap in the face and she wished, pathetically, that Dina would have just slapped her. It all started then: how JJ was inconsolable, Dina had to make it back to Jackson alone with a baby, that she was so fucking angry. Her voice rose until she was yelling at her and Ellie sat still and took it all. The tears streaming down her face were pitiful but inescapable, and she hadn’t let herself make a single noise to interrupt her. Dina stood and walked down the steps, turned to face her on the sidewalk.

“He said his first word and it was _mommy_.” She was hissing at Ellie, then, “I’m not mommy! _You_ are! Do you even remember? Do you even care? He said that and you weren’t even _there_ for him!”

The guilt seeped inside of her and it felt like a knife. She could only bring herself to stand, trembling, and step down to the sidewalk where Dina was watching her expectantly. She might be strong enough to sit up and stand and walk a little now but lowering herself to her knees without falling over was difficult. She planted a hand on the cement for a second, just to catch her breath. Ellie leaned back and looked up directly into Dina’s eyes.

“I’m sorry.” Truthfully, it felt like putting a band aid on an amputation, but it had to be said.

“Why the fuck are you on your knees.” Dina’s voice was nasally from crying, and she quickly broke the eye contact and seemed to find the orange leaves on the tree next to her very fascinating.

“Because I’m _sorry_.” There was a long, unsettling pause before Dina looked back to her. Ellie didn’t know how else to say it, to make it matter.

“Tell me,” she had begun, cautiously. “What happened there.” Her deep brown eyes were searing right into Ellie’s face, searching it for clues.

Ellie thought about the feeling of Abby underneath her in the water, drowning, forcing her to fight with a knife to Lev’s throat. Her fingers, the tree branch, the slavers, the pillars, the hordes, the new bite, the _sea_. Joel on the porch. Abby’s boat fading into the fog while she sat there lifelessly. Dina was too good for a story like that, but she asked her to talk and she wouldn’t fight. Ellie couldn’t refuse her, even if she was asking for something horrible.

“Just _say_ it.”

She told her everything.

-

Dina sobbed at her hand, cradled it, touched it, wrapped it up in both her hands like she was mourning at Ellie’s grave even though Ellie was right in front of her. She felt her tears fall hot onto her broken, twisted skin. “ _How_?”

“Abby bit them off.” Her answer was a step too late, because Dina saw the burn on her hand and she _knew,_ like Maria did, what it meant. And Dina _wailed_ , while Ellie wondered how someone can make crying sound angry.

-

Dina came by after another week at the same time, late at night. Ellie was waiting as promised on the front porch. She paused at the top of the stairs. “You look like shit.” Dina said it mirthlessly, but Ellie still fought the urge to laugh.

“Pretty sure I looked shitt _ier_ last week.”

Dina didn’t banter back, she leaned against the railing and Ellie waited for whatever it was she had to say to her, that she had been thinking over. Her hair was longer than she had ever seen it, tied up with a scarf, and she pushed the desire out of her mind to tuck a loose curl behind her ear. She couldn’t think like that now. Probably not ever again.

“I want you at Robin and Ji-hwan’s tomorrow.” Whatever she had been expecting from Dina, it wasn’t this.

“What?”

“We’re having lunch. Could use extra hands with JJ. You know he’s a nightmare to cook with.” Ellie only stared at her while Dina scratched the back of her neck, avoiding her eyes.

“I-”

“Whatever you’re about to say, don’t. This town is small, it’s not like we can just avoid each other for the rest of our lives. You were- you were there when he was...” The summer had been kind to Dina’s face, it was glowing and frecklier than before, if that was even possible. “Keeping him from you would be stupid. I thought about it, y’know? If he was yours by blood, I think co-parenting would be… expected, maybe. Just because he isn’t doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be treated the same.” She made to leave without waiting, and Ellie didn’t dare speak, she only nodded to agree to being there at noon.

“Don’t fuck it up.” Dina had thrown at her coldly, over her shoulder, as she faded into the dark and empty street.

-

JJ was so much bigger. Ellie thought she would be ready for this, emotionally, but then Dina dumped him into her arms and he just cooed and made the little noises he always makes, and she had déjà vu for the day he was born. Esther had swaddled him and tucked him into Ellie because Dina was sleeping, and his tiny face was scrunched up and looked so much like Jesse-

“There ya go,”

“Oh, god,” She had said back then, and again to Dina right there. Her hand was soothing on her shoulder for just a second.

“Why don’t you go sit on the porch for a few minutes?” It was only a gesture to not upset Jesse’s parents with her crying, but Ellie took it along with the wrap Dina slipped over her head to hold JJ close and keep him warm.

It was getting cold out now, and the first snow of the year couldn’t be far away. She curled herself up in the Adirondack chair next to the door and pulled JJ against her as close as possible. He was so big yet still so small, to fit in her arms like this, and his little pudgy hand grabbed at her nose and cheeks. Ellie responded peppering kisses all over his face and curly, wild hair.

“Warm enough, Potato?” He giggled and smiled. Which only made him look more Jesse-like, Dina-like too, even if he favored his father’s genes. His whole life it had been a weird thing- to see both of her best friends' faces in one like this. Ellie’s tears kept falling, and it made him look confused, seeing her cry. “I’m so sorry, baby boy,”

-

Dina insisted on walking her home after they ate. Ellie was already uneasy, from how warmly and effortlessly Jesse’s parents had welcomed her, hugged her, like she hadn’t gotten their son killed and then ditched their grandson with his mother outside the walls.

“Thank you.” Ellie didn’t know what else to say.

“Nothing to thank me for. He’s yours, too.”

“You know that’s not true.” Dina seemed irritated at that answer.

“I’ve spent his whole life trying to prove to you that he’s your son. You’ll never really believe it or act like it, will you?” She slowed and crossed her arms at Maria’s gatepost. Usually, Ellie didn’t tread this line, she knows it never ends well.

“It should have been Jesse.” Immediately, she knew she had made a mistake, because she could feel the anger radiating off of Dina next to her.

“Don’t you _fucking_ start with that. I _chose you_. Long before JJ was born, before Jesse even died.” She uncrossed her arms, paused, and crossed them again. “It was _supposed_ to be the three of us.”

Ellie dropped her gaze to her feet.

“I thought you were dead.”

“Yeah.”

“You let her go.”

“Yeah.”

“You came back.”

“Yeah.”

“I don’t know if I can ever forgive you for that. For leaving.” There was a finality in her words that made Ellie tug the bracelet off her wrist and weakly hand it to her. The action sparked something heartbroken in Dina’s face. “ _Stop,_ ”

“But it was _Talia’s_ ,”

“You kept it? All this time?”

“Of course.”

“It worked then, yeah?” Ellie ran a thumb over the hamsa, spun the evil eye bead inside it.

“Suppose it did.”

“I don’t know if I can ever forgive you for leaving,” Dina started again, pulling Ellie’s wrist to her to retie the bracelet around her tattooed skin. “Stupid not to try, though. Don’t fucking give this back again.”

“I don’t deserve it.”

“It’s not about deserving, Ellie.”

-

It was easy enough to fall into a routine, the one Dina suggested. Ellie started working again too, in the kitchens for now and on farm rotation in the warmer weather later. It was hard work that Maria eased her into as her body healed.

Winter hit hard, more brutally than one Ellie could remember in recent times. She had JJ on her hip while she made dinner. Ellie had never been a cook, but her dishwashing job had her learning some recipes naturally. It was the least she could do right now, with Maria working so late to prep for the coming months of snow. The little plastic timer rang, which JJ was absolutely _enthralled_ with, so Ellie gave it to him in hopes it would distract him from trying to shove his hands in the salad.

“Wow, you really are a nightmare to cook with, huh Spud?”

The door swung open and Maria shook all the snow off her head and shoulders. “Whew, It’s bad out there,”

Ellie watched surprise flash across her face when she saw JJ, but she covered it up immediately.

“Look, I know you didn’t sign up for a baby in the house-”

“What? No, it’s fine.” Maria walked over and let JJ wrap a hand around her fingers. “I’m just- I didn’t think- Dina and you-?”

“We’re on speaking terms I guess.” Ellie swapped the hip JJ was sitting on to set the table.

“So, there’s a… joint custody situation going on?” Maria questioned her carefully as she sat down. Ellie chuckled, it was always a little funny to hear old world terms slip from folks that had been around back then.

“I think so.”

-

Ellie curled her body around JJ that night and pulled him close, rested her face against his head. She had feared so deeply that he wouldn’t remember her, might even be scared of her. In the peaceful darkness, he fisted his hands in her tee shirt and buried his face in her neck _exactly_ like he used to, sleeping between her and Dina when he fussed, and Ellie snuggled up to him to keep him from waking her. It felt like acceptance. It felt like unspoken forgiveness from the universe.

-

Winter drudged on, and Dina wanted weekend afternoons at Jesse’s parents’ house. Ellie had been hesitant- thus far they had only parented individually. But Dina told her she wanted JJ to know, as well as a one-year-old can, that he had two parents, not just two separate houses that he belonged to. It was fine, though, even if Jesse’s house held a pandora’s box of sadness to her. The fireplace was always warm while she sprawled on the floor with her son.

Dina was embroidering on the couch, pulling delicately at the cloth with a needle and brightly colored string. Ellie listened to her hum unconsciously while she worked, and her heart swelled. They truly hadn’t talked much.

JJ tumbled his blocks over Ellie’s arm, and she groaned dramatically, clutching it, while JJ burst into giggles. “JJ, I think you broke it.”

“Bahk!”

“Good job, JJ! Block!” She felt Dina watching her, but when she looked back her eyes were back down on her work.

“You should stay for Hannukah, El.” Two things about Dina’s proposition made her freeze: the nickname and _staying_.

“Stay?” Dina hummed louder in response.

“It’s a holiday.”

“Like, stay here?”

“No, El, stay in the backyard. Yes, here.” For the first time, Ellie heard teasing in her tone. “It’s important for JJ, yeah? And Robin’s been writing a book, but you know how hard that is these days since its all on paper. She wants someone other than me to read it.”

Ellie contemplated the joke, but she couldn’t resist. “Didn’t know you could read.” Dina’s eyes flashed up at her. For a second, they looked irritated, but she took a pillow and threw it at her.

“Can you put him down, please?” She was fighting a smile.

-

Dina and JJ’s room was Jesse’s. She hadn’t been in here since Dina was pregnant, and even then, it felt _wrong_. For so many reasons. There had been so many happy memories in that bedroom- so many nights she got drunk and passed out playing board games with Jesse and Dina. Nights when Jesse and Ellie would kick Dina out, much to her infuriation, and tape a sign on the door that said ‘no girlfriends allowed.’ Ellie untucked her hand from underneath JJ and reached up to touch the _mezuzah_ on the door frame reverently. So much has changed.

-

“She wants you to stay for Hannukah? Isn’t that a whole week?”

“I don’t know if she wants me there the whole time, at least for the start.” Maria pushed around at her dinner.

“So, you’re staying over?”

“Yep.”

“Sleeping there too?” Ellie dropped her fork and her face burned.

“ _Maria_.”

“Sorry. Don’t mean to pry.” There was a long silence while they finished eating, and Ellie stood up to clear the table. “Look, you’re doing so much better, but I think you should be careful-”

“Oh my _god_ -”

“I am speaking to you from a medical perspective, Ellie. You were half-dead when you got back.”

“It’s not _like that_ anymore,” Ellie muttered, leaving to dump the dishes in the sink. She couldn’t fight it, didn’t fight it, when tears stung at the corners of her eyes. She scrubbed the dishes too harshly. This was her own fault. She chose it knowingly. Why did it hurt so badly?

-

The doctor sat across from her in a small office. She was strong enough now to visit her in person, and Maria kept a calendar on the fridge to list all the days she was supposed to go.

“Why didn’t you kill her?” What a stupid question. She buttoned and unbuttoned her shirt cuffs.

“It was suicide.”

“But you were killing _her_. How is it suicide?”

“If she died on that beach I would have, too.” The doctor hummed.

“Explain that.” Ellie resisted the urge to scoff. _No fighting_.

“Because I wouldn’t be a person anymore. I would have been too angry.”

“Angry at Abby?”

“No.”

“Joel?”

“No, of course not.”

“Then who would you be angry at?” She didn’t roll her eyes, only clenched her jaw to calm herself.

“I’m angry at myself.” Ellie hated the way she looked at her. Really _looked_ , like she could see everything. It made her anxious.

“You’re still angry? At yourself?”

“I’m fucking furious with myself.” Ellie spoke too quickly, and she followed it with a quiet apology for swearing.

-

Hannukah was lovely. It had been her best week back in Jackson so far. JJ was a breeze the whole time, not a single major meltdown, and Dina was lighthearted and happy the whole eight days (she did want her there the whole time). The book was a pleasant surprise: it was fucking _science fiction_. Ellie curled up on the couch each night to read more of it to Robin’s beaming delight. She lit the candles with JJ and Dina would pray. It felt like a time warp back to last year- their one and only Hannukah as a family before Ellie ruined it.

On the first night, Ellie slept in the guest room with JJ in her arms. On the second, she stirred when Dina shook her shoulder at two in the morning.

“Dina?” She sat on the edge of the bed and hesitated.

“Uh… JJ knows you’re down here. He’s crying. Can you just come upstairs?” Ellie paused.

“With you?” There was such a certain sadness in Dina’s eyes that she couldn’t identify.

“I _know_ it’s only been a few months. We’ve barely talked, we-” She stopped and considered her words carefully, like Ellie could see the gears grinding in her head. “Just lay down with us. Please.” Ellie didn’t fight her. She obliged, because she could never _not_ oblige her, she could never say no. She walked into Jesse’s room behind Dina and slipped underneath the already-warm covers. Dina walked around and did the same. Ellie didn’t question why JJ was completely asleep, wasn’t crying at all. _It’s only been a few months_. Whatever that was supposed to mean. She listened for Dina’s breathing to even out before she let the tears spill over.

-

The cold weather always got impossibly worse right before it got better. The air was so _frigid_ , that even with JJ tucked as close as possible to her, they both shivered. The snow accumulated high, up against the walls of houses until it brushed the windowsills. Maria reassured her they would be fine until spring.

March 2nd got closer and closer.

At the end of February, Dina came by Maria’s to pick up JJ. Ellie passed him into her arms and thought, briefly, what a beautiful painting they would make with the snow in Dina’s dark hair. She must have caught her staring.

“I, uh, brought you something.” She shifted a squirmy JJ to her hip to hand Ellie a small bag. “I know it’s coming up. I thought you might want it.” Ellie pulled out the fragile _yahrzeit_ candle, and inspected the Hebrew painted on the glass.

“Dina… Thank you. I appreciate this.”

“Yeah. Of course.”

-

The morning of, the air in the house felt heavy and suffocating. She struck a match to light the candle, and something inside of her eased a little. It felt nice to have a task, something that was supposed to be done, instead of just wallowing. The sun rose high in the sky before Ellie walked over to the cemetery for the first time since coming back. The flowers she brought were scraggly from the time of year, but when she sat them down by the grave, she found an assortment of little stones.

-

Robin placed an overly full plate of food in front of Ellie at the table and she frowned. Her appetite liked to wax and wane constantly these days. But Dina was sitting next to her and she nudged her thigh with hers to eat it anyway- there was no fighting. She ate a respectable amount.

Ellie insisted on doing the dishes, beating Ji-hwan to the punch as much as he protested. “Please, I’m a pro at this now. I’m, like, dishwashing master these days,” He crossed his arms with a fake scowl before giving in.

“Can you at least use a dryer?”

“Oh, _fine_.” She conceded and noted Dina’s warm eyes watching her.

-

Dina slowed her steps at the gatepost again, after insisting on walking her home like she always did.

“You don’t have to chaperone me every time. I’ll have you know I can make it a whole day at work now without almost passing out.”

“ _So_ impressive.” Her eyes gleamed and she was smiling at her. _Smiling_ at Ellie. It made her stomach flip and she looked away sadly. “What’s wrong?”

“I miss you. I know I shouldn’t. That’s all.” Ellie couldn’t lie anymore. No fighting. She does what she’s asked.

“That’s an awfully honest answer coming from you.”

“I don’t want to lie.”

“Good.” Dina leaned against the fence and Ellie noticed her arms looked stronger, more muscular. She looked so healthy and bright next to Ellie who was so sallow and weak. Not that she hadn’t been getting better, it was just jarring beside her. “Can we have a night out? No talking, just old-fashioned video games and movies and stolen food from the Bison?”

God, those days sounded like a lifetime ago, when they were reckless teenagers. It was almost scary that they were only twenty-one, it had only really been two years since all that.

“Are you sure?”

“I’m the one asking, no?”

“Okay, okay, fine.” Ellie chuckled.

-

Maria gave her shit about it, said it sounded an awful lot like a date, but Ellie shut her down. She was fidgeting with her shirt until she pulled it off, exasperated, and put on a different one. _So stupid_ , she thought, to care about appearances like it mattered. Like it changed anything.

Dina came by at eight, took her to the diner, slung her arm through hers like she did when they were younger, made small talk about something scandalous so-and-so did and how irritated she was that she couldn’t make the town’s new radio system work properly.

“-That’s when I was saying that it’s dumb that we can’t just use the _new_ hardware we got on the last sweep of the mall because it works so much better, but Greg was all ‘I don’t like the way these are wired’ and I can’t get him to stop being stubborn about it-”

So many people were staring at them, but Dina was so good at ignoring them, ignoring the whispers at seeing them together.

“That sounds rough,” Ellie offered. She didn’t understand a thing about electronics. Dina ushered her into a secluded booth.

“Yeah, and don’t get me started on Bonnie lately.”

“Uh oh,” That’s all it really took for her to ‘get started’ on Bonnie. Ellie sipped at her drink and listened blissfully to her rambles. This really _was_ like old times.

-

“You’re letting me win, aren’t you?”

“What? _Never_.” Ellie feigned disappointment at her losing rank on the screen. “Rainbow Road kills, Dina.”

“Mmhmm.”

JJ was asleep with Robin and Ji-hwan, and Dina had plied Ellie to come up to her room because it’s where the Wii was. They’d both had a drink or two, though, and Ellie was nervous. Nervous she might do something she’ll regret. Cross a line. And, _god_ , there were so many fucking lines and she didn’t really know where half of them were.

“Why don’t we just watch a movie then?” Ellie let her pick some cheesy rom com off her shelf and settle next to her. She tried not to think about how they were in her bed, at night, in the dark. She tried not to think about how it made her feel when Dina shifted against her body.

Okay, this was a little too much like old times.

A joke in the movie made Dina laugh, like fully truly laugh, and her hand brushed against the strip of skin between the waist of Ellie’s jeans and her shirt that had hiked up slightly. Suddenly, she was on _fire,_ because it had been so _long_ , and it wasn’t allowed- she wasn’t allowed to think like that anymore, so she grit her teeth and pulled away from her.

“Dina-”

“Hey- what’s up?” Ellie pushed loose hair out of her face and thought about lying. She _wouldn’t_ lie. Even if it was this embarrassing.

“Uh, I should- I’m gonna go… cool off.” She sat up off the bed, but Dina grabbed her wrist.

“Do you still think about me like that?” Her expression was inquisitive and meek, and Ellie wanted to laugh at the question, how ridiculous it was.

“Always.” Dina’s face fell in a way that made her heart _ache_ , but she wasn’t frustrated at Ellie.

“I thought it was just me. We can’t ever just be friends like before, can we?” The confession made the air feel too thick to breathe.

“I don’t know that we were ever really just friends, Dina.” The night was over. She put her coat on and went home.

-

Maria sat next to Ellie on the couch and flipped through the book she was reading, searching for the dog ear. “Quiet night.”

“Yep. JJ’s with Dina all week.” She tugged on the sleeves of her sweater, tried in vain to bring her focus back to the movie on the screen. “I can move out if you want me to.” Maria looked up at her in surprise.

“I don’t want you to, but I can’t stop you. It’s nice to have you and JJ here. Tommy’s been holed up on the other side of Jackson since you left, and he doesn’t show his face much. I don’t want him to, but it’s lonely in this house by myself.” Ellie hadn’t thought much about Tommy since she got back, and she hadn’t seen him. She didn’t want to.

-

JJ squealed up at her, tiny hands in Ellie’s, as he walked along with jerky movements. For early April, the air was unusually mild, even though the snow still blanketed everything. A warm and enticing smell poured out of the kitchen window at Jesse’s. Ellie crouched down to let JJ walk into her arms. Dina was tense about his walking, for his age he was technically pretty behind on that milestone. He had spoken so early, his first words while Ellie was still gone. But steps weren’t coming as easy.

“Hi!”

“Yes, hi, baby!”

“Momma!” He had that high-pitched loudness in his voice that small children always did.

“Momma’s inside. Wanna check on her?” He tipped over and Ellie stilled him upright. “You sure are wobbly, Bubba.”

“Mommy.” _Oh_. She licked her thumb and smoothed a flyaway on his forehead. Her throat felt tight.

-

The kitchens were always suffocatingly warm. The cooking, stoves, ovens, fire, hot water: it all just sat heavy and wet in the air. Ellie ran her arm over her face and stretched at the soreness in her leftmost fingers, touched them gently. It seemed like an odd comfort, how the scalding soapy water soothed the phantom pain. Maybe it was fitting that she could never wear a wedding band.

-

After work, Dina was waiting at the door with JJ wrapped up in a comical number of layers. Ellie faltered for a second, she hadn’t been expecting them, and Dina had never shown up at her work before.

“Dina?” Her face was _beaming_. Ellie stopped at the door and leaned down to press a kiss on JJ’s knit hat. “What are you doing here?”

“Had to come show you something pretty spectacular.” She grabbed Ellie’s hand and led her back inside to an empty corner of the room.

“ _Not_ your face?” Dina didn’t even tease her back, just threw a thousand-volt smile at her as she put JJ down on the ground.

“Go to Mommy, Bud,” Ellie almost choked on her own tongue, and then watched in awe as he tumbled to her. She leaned down immediately to catch him. It was only a few steps, and they were pretty shaky, but no one held him up, he just _went._

“Oh, my _god_ ,” He twisted in her arms. “ _Dina!_ ”

“I _know_.”

“I told you he would do it.”

“Shut up.” Ellie thought for a moment. He had taken his first steps, at Jesse’s, and she had missed it. She had missed it even though she had stayed and done everything _not_ to miss it.

“I’m sorry I missed it.” Dina’s face contorted in confusion.

“What are you talking about? You didn’t miss it. You’re right here.” She felt her eyes on her as she scooped JJ up in her arms and tilted him over, so his head fell back, and he giggled incessantly. It felt like Dina’s eyes were always on her, lately. “Uh, you know, Passover is tonight. Come over?”

Ellie had an inkling she wasn’t going to be invited until right now, like Dina changed her mind. If holidays were going to become a thing, though, Ellie sure as hell wasn’t gonna fight it.

“Of course.”

-

Ellie knocked on the door and fought back the stiffness in her hands from the cold. The mildness from last week was gone, and she was certain they would face another big blizzard before everything thawed out. The house was so _warm_ , and cozy and soft. Jesse’s house had always been like that. Dina took her hand (she wished she wouldn’t) and led her to the table, sat her down, put JJ in her lap. He gave Ellie a sloppy kiss on her chin, and it made her relax a little.

Ellie remembered, abruptly, how drunk she had gotten last year from this, and how low her tolerance probably was these days after everything. That had been right before she left.

She didn’t fight it. Robin and Ji-hwan were such pleasant company, and JJ was being awfully well-behaved, and Dina looked _beautiful_ , because she always does. It was so easy to just sink into it all.

-

Jesse’s parents went to bed almost immediately after dinner, lecturing her and Dina to never get old and reminiscing about how wine didn’t use to do this to them. Ellie laughed at it, harder than she’s laughed at all since coming home.

“Do you want me to walk you home?” Dina’s voice was low and smooth. Ellie tried to stand, but the room span a little too much. “Yeesh, I know you’re a lightweight, El, but damn.” She hoisted JJ onto her hip. “I’ll be right back, yeah? He’s exhausted.”

Ellie flopped onto the couch and blinked hard, trying to force her body to come back to itself. Dina wasn’t gone long. She tip-toed back into the family room and sat next to her on the sofa, tucking her legs underneath her.

“You know you’ve been home now as long as you were gone.” It wasn’t what she was expecting Dina to say.

“Yeah?”

“One hundred ninety-one days,” Dina started, “So, longer, technically.” Ellie swallowed roughly and considered that information. “Robin and Ji-hwan have loved having you back. They talk about you all the time.”

“I never understood that.” Her head was mushy. Dina just looked at her to elaborate. _I got him killed_ , Ellie wanted to say. _He’s dead because of me_. But she didn’t say those things, because Dina never let her. Instead, “I don’t know why they don’t blame me.”

Dina didn’t say anything, she just nodded and laid a hand on Ellie’s shoulder. Ellie wouldn’t have, normally, but she did it before she was thinking. She covered Dina’s hand with her own.

“I blame me, too.” Ellie looked at her. What? “I blame me, too, because if I hadn’t gone with you, I could have stopped him. If I stayed in Jackson. I could have talked him off the ledge. His parents begged him not to go. Maybe _I_ could have gotten through to him. But if I hadn't gone with you... Who fucking knows.”

Ellie hadn’t ever considered this before.

“But I did go with you because, after you ran to Salt Lake City, I swore I would never let you go alone again. I still don’t even know what happened there, El, you never told me.” Dina sounded so _sad_. “I can’t even be angry that we went to Seattle. Because when Talia died, I went to my own Seattle. Except I was alone. And _twelve_. And I barely made it out alive and I never got any justice-”

“ _Hey_ ,” Ellie grabbed her knee to steady her, to calm her. Dina took a forceful breath and looked to her.

“Phoenix.” Ellie nodded. “Why don’t we know these things? About each other?”

“Maybe it’s time to talk.” Ellie knew it would hurt, knew Dina would ask things she shouldn’t have to hear the answers to, and Dina would tell her things that would make her stomach burn in pain.

“Yeah,” Dina whispered. She ran a hand over her face, stood off the couch, held out a hand. “Not now, though. Come on. Please.”

Ellie took her hand and let Dina lead her upstairs, to her room. She took off Ellie’s shirt and shoes, urged her into bed, picked a sleeping JJ up out of his crib and tucked him next to Ellie, slipped into the covers behind him. Ellie was too drunk and tired to think about it.

-

Work the next day made her head pound. The dishes were too slippery, she grasped at the plate in her hands, but it fell and shattered on the ground.

“ _Fuck_ ,”

-

Maria was home early, when Ellie came through the door with JJ crying at her in frustration from the cold. She looked up from her book on the couch.

“You didn’t come home last night.” For a moment, Ellie felt like she was a teenager who got caught sneaking out. Not so much like a mother with a baby in her arms.

“Yeah, sorry,” JJ fussed, and she tried to use it as an excuse to avoid the conversation. Maria came up to her, took JJ from her and bounced him on her hip.

“Uh huh?”

-

Dina brought her to the stables, where she cleaned up Japan and brushed him all over. Ellie leaned against the stall, fidgeted with a piece of hay in her hands. The stables were completely empty from the time of day.

“I’ll go first,” Dina said, and she spoke. She didn’t stop talking. The Ravens, Albuquerque QZ, the commune, her mother, the man that tried to kill her, Talia, Talia’s paranoia, her murder, Phoenix, coming to Jackson alone and afraid, at fourteen. She told her everything. And when she finished, Ellie didn’t fight her prodding. She told her everything, too.

FEDRA. School. Her mother. Marlene. Riley. The bite. Sam. Henry. Tess. Bill. Joel. Colorado. David. The Fireflies. Jackson. Salt Lake. Joel lied. The _vaccine_.

It was the last part she was terrified of. The one thing she was truly hiding from Dina, a burden she shouldn’t have to carry. That Ellie’s living, breathing body meant the chance for a vaccine, however slim, was gone. But Dina didn’t seem angry.

“Thank you. For talking, finally.” Ellie sputtered.

“Aren’t you _angry_?” She couldn’t even help that she rose her voice slightly. Dina shrugged.

“What’s there to be angry about?”

“I shouldn’t be here! You and JJ and everyone- you’re supposed to be immune now!”

“You’d be dead, though?”

“That’s _nothing_ compared-”

“Stop.” Ellie stilled, and Dina turned from Japan to face her. “Don’t. Maybe your life doesn’t matter to yourself, but it matters to me. It matters to JJ. It matters to Maria and Robin and Ji-hwan. And you can’t ever leave him again. You never should have left him in the first place. Leave me all you want, El, but you _can’t_ leave your _children_. You made a choice when he was born. You can’t unmake that choice.”

A chilly breeze blew through the barn and sent an uncomfortable shiver down Ellie’s back.

“Yeah.”

-

Things came easier between them, now. The weather warmed, if only by a little, and Dina seemed to melt right along with the winter snow. Her and Ellie took JJ out to a field near the wall, where the snow was untouched, and let him toddle around in it before it was all gone.

Robin pushed Ellie down onto the couch one night despite her argument that she wasn’t dressed nice enough for a picture, next to Dina, and sat JJ on her lap. Ji-hwan pulled the camera off the mantle as Dina’s arm slid around Ellie’s waist.

Dina started coming over to Maria’s, too, while she was busy during the day. Sometimes JJ would be there, with Ellie, and sometimes she would leave JJ with Jesse’s parents and cook with her, teasing her terrible recipes and swiping flour on her forehead. They fell back into their old habits as quickly as the snow turned to mud, like they didn’t even realize it until it was done.

-

JJ called for her from the door, where Dina was waiting for Ellie to get off work. She was doing that more and more, coming up with bizarre excuses to see her and drag her back to her house.

“El, come back with me. Ji-hwan found a _record player_.” And how could Ellie have ever refused that?

“No, he didn’t. You’ll have to prove it to me or something,” she teased, and Dina offered an elbow that Ellie snuck her hand through. She had been off earlier than normal that day, and JJ dozed in Dina’s arms on the walk back, laden with afternoon sleepiness.

“Come on, stupid.”

-

Ellie took JJ up for Dina, laid him down, kissed him, tucked Ollie under his arms. The fresh spring wind made the room feel comfortable and balmy. She slipped the window open over Dina’s dresser an inch or two.

Ji-hwan really _had_ found a record player, and all the records he had lined up on the shelf were finally shuffled-through and disorganized, finally of use. Dina gently laid the needle across the disc and smiled in satisfaction when it played perfectly, a soft and sweet song. Ellie watched her sit across from her, pull her legs up to rest in Ellie’s lap and tinker with her embroidery hoop. The string was deep green.

“You’re staring.”

“I am not.” Ellie didn’t look away, though. Dina just kicked her leg since her feet were already there. “ _Ow_ , what the fuck?”

“You’ve never been good at hiding when you stare.”

“Hm. I can _easily_ say the same for you.” Dina’s face tinged red. Was she seriously blushing? Blushing like they weren’t raising a baby together, blushing like they’d never…? Ellie felt bold enough to push it, as she watched Dina change the green thread for brown with careful, slender fingers. “Still good at threading the needle I see-” She was cut off by another harmless blow, this time to the stomach, and it made her wheeze. “Fuck _you_ ,”

“Yeah, fuck me then.” Now Ellie was the one whose face went red, as Dina laid the hoop down and pulled her off the couch. “Dance with me?”

Ellie didn’t fight her. She let Dina wrap her hands around her waist and drape her arms over her shoulders. The music switched to something more up-beat as they swayed, and Ellie took Dina’s hands and spun her haphazardly.

For a single moment, everything was _perfect_. They just danced, because Dina let her dance, asked her to. It was perfect, until Dina pulled away.

“What, hey, what’s wrong?” Ellie couldn’t conjure a gentler voice if she tried, and Dina looked down at their feet, shook her head, stepped up close to Ellie’s face.

“Don’t go.” Ellie opened her mouth to respond but shut it quickly. There was no point in telling her that she didn’t want to go, that she had nowhere to go to, that the thought of leaving hadn’t even crossed her mind once since she got back. Dina was looking for a _promise_. A promise to never leave again, not just for Abby. She knew, since the barn, that Dina thought she might leave on the hope of a vaccine. Ellie could feel it in her bones and in the way Dina touched her, like she was trying to show Ellie how much she was needed here, how much she was worth, so much more than a _potential_.

Ellie didn’t believe in it. She didn’t believe that she was worth more than a chance at healing. She sure as hell knew that JJ was, though. She knew Dina was. And if they needed her so badly, could she really fight? Could she really leave them all behind?

She felt her pockets blindly, pulled the switchblade out of her jeans. Once it was in her hands it felt like she was missing something. Her mother’s knife… She had never taken it off. Even on the beach, she fought the sticky gooey sand to _give it back_. Bleeding and dying, she pulled it from the waves. Ellie might never let herself use it again, but she refused to let it drown in that terrible place, and maybe it could be something new, now. A token like Dina’s bracelet.

Dina’s bracelet was Talia’s first, and Ellie’s knife was Anna’s. She turned it over in her hands a few times, sighed, and let it clatter to the ground by Dina’s feet. Maybe she could make this promise to herself, too.

Ellie watched Dina watch the knife fall with an unreadable expression. When she looked back up to Ellie, she grabbed her face, leaned in, and kissed her.

**Author's Note:**

> drinking game idea take a shot every time there was a blatant parallel you'll probably be drunk. Also bonus points if anyone recognizes Maria and Ellie's reunion from somewhere??
> 
> PS I wrote this in less than a day I'm gonna die


End file.
